For Better Or Worse
by Lucy Maria Elmer
Summary: As Daniel watches the woman he loves leave through the Stargate he ponders their life together...


The Dan and Jan Archive

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For Better Or Worse  
by Lucy Maria Elmer

  
  
EMAIL: [sweetshipper@yahoo.co.uk][2]  
STATUS: 1/2, will hopefully do one from Janets perspective type thang.  
CATEGORY: D/J thoughts, drama, romance.  
RATING: PG-13.  
SEASON/SEQUEL INFO: Set in season fours episode 2010.  
SPOILERS: The one where we meet Merrin (Learning Curve), the one with the Harcesis (Absolute Power), 2010, the one with Charlie (Show and Tell), and Entity.  
SUMMARY: As Daniel watches the woman he loves leave through the Stargate he ponders their life together and how they ended up acting out a plan which could change humanity, and their own lives forever.  
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized character and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
AUTHORS NOTE: This is dedicated to all my great IM friends, namely the wonderful Ali, my little Jaybob, Jo, Ro, my sweetums Nike, my other sweetums Neth and of course the lovely Bryn and Alli. Love you guys to bits!!!!  
  
  
She had been upset. So disappointed that this race who they had trusted could have done this to her. Jack had been right all along, they knew that now. They should never have trusted them as they had, and that made the hurt even greater for the both of them.  
  
He couldn't imagine what she was going through inside. As soon as she had arrived to meet him and Teal'c for dinner he could tell she had been crying. He remembered that face from the night she had come to him after they had found out General Hammond had died, remembered it from the first time he had told her that he loved her. He immediately knew that her heart was breaking inside, though he did not know why. She just walked up to him and he knew, so did Teal'c, that was why he left them. Then she had just broken down in front of him, tears running down her gentle face as he took her into his arms and sobbed uncontrollably. It broke his heart.  
  
Janet had always been a maternal person, ever since he had known her. When Cassandra had come into her life, he immediately noticed a change in her. She had always been a tender woman, one with so much passion and so full of strength and love, but it had always been covered with a sense of professionalism. Whenever he was in the infirmary however, and that was quite often, he saw that care and tenderness along with a lot of concern. At other times, with other people, he had observed this was more deeply masked but she wouldn't even try to mask it with him, and he wasn't sure he would have wanted her to. Even that early on he had begun to fall in love with this incredible and beautiful woman though he had never shown it, because in some way he felt he was betraying Shau'ri. Over time though he knew this wasn't the way to live, he knew he had to carry on with his life and that Shau'ri, being the wonderful person she was would have wanted him to do that. He began to embrace what he felt inside, though for a long time he hadn't done a thing about it.  
  
When Janet adopted Cass she had changed. She was much more content with her life and he noticed was much more open about her feelings. It was as if the arrival of the young woman had given her a new lease of life, a new beginning and for as long as he could remember he had wanted to be part of that. When Merrin came to the SGC she was great with her, and Charlie too. She even managed to bond with the Harcesis child on his arrival at the SGC and there hadn't been a moment when Daniel had been so deeply touched, though it had remained deeply hidden. For a long time it was as if there was a spark between them which neither could act upon. Whenever they were together all he wanted to do was take her into his arms and hold her, or kiss her and tell her how much he loved her and had for a long time, but he was so scared. When he saw the state she was in when they thought they'd lost Sam there hadn't been a moment when she wasn't on his mind, when he wanted to hold her and comfort her as she was so obviously in pain over what was happening to her friend but still he couldn't and always he wondered if she felt the same.  
  
He couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when he had fallen in love with her, all he knew was that it was something that had been growing inside him for a long time and which had started with no warning. What he did know was the moment that he knew it was time to act on it She had been taken captive by the Goa'uld once while on an away mission with SG-1 and held by them, Apophis intending to make her his Queen and he was not ready to let that happen. He had lost Shau'ri because of Apophis, had lost the woman who he adored and if he was honest he wouldn't have known what to do if he lost Janet in the exact same way and then had to face her. He loved Janet more than life itself and knew he wouldn't be able to stand to see her if Apophis had done what he set out to, to see her as a mere shadow of herself because of the thing she would be carrying inside her. Every moment knowing that Apophis had her was living torture and he knew that they had to do something to bring her home, that he had to do something if they got her home safe to show her how much he really did care. And he did. They fought for her, some died for her, but they did get her back, and they got her back unharmed and in one piece. He had been the one who ran to her of course, as soon as it was safe for him to do so, and at that very moment he took her up into his arms and kissed her, not caring who saw, and to his amazement she kissed back with all the strength she had within her, and from that moment on they'd been inseperable.  
  
Everyday was a blessing to him, everyday he spent with her, waking up beside her, beside her beautiful body, watching her sleep, feeling her need to have him in her life and showing hr his. He was part of her, and her part of him, filling a place in his heart that Shau'ri had left empty though a part of her would forever remain with him. Cassandra too was now a part of him, they were a family and from that very day neither ever wanted to let go of the love that they held for each other or do anything that could provide any sort of obstacle to it or the contentment they shared in the life they now had. But then came the Aschen.  
  
Their relationship was something that was understated but extremely intense and loving. He remembered all the times they touched, reassuring each other of the others presence when times were bad. Not many people knew how deeply rooted their love was, many had never guessed and probably never would. They were married in a private ceremony; only Sam, Jack, Cassandra, Teal'c and the General had been present. For them, though, it had still been the most beautiful day of their lives. Daniel remembered to this day the smile on her face as she walked down the aisle towards him, the way that the white gown she wore hugged her figure in all the right places and the look of pride on the Generals face as he gave her away. He remembered the grin on Cassandras face as her mother and he exchanged their vows, vows that came straight from one heart to the other. He remembered the tear that ran down her soft cheek as they were declared husband and wife, and how he kissed that tear away even though they were pouring down his own cheeks to be tenderly wiped by her own gentle fingers. Most of all he remebered the immense joy he felt and the sense of being complete with her at his side. With Cassandra as his daughter. They were bound to each other by a love so profound, so needed by both. Each wore their wedding band around a chain on their neck rather than on their wedding finger, it felt more sacred that way for the both of them, closer to their hearts. More personal, and fiddling with that band Daniel remembered why he was remembering these things, why he was looking back. It was all because of the Aschen.  
  
The next stage in their relationship would have been children. It was the most natural thing to them, but after two miscarriages and alot of heartache they had given up, resigning themselves to the fact that it wasn't going to happen. Then the Aschen came along, giving them hope... at least for a while. They had an anti-aging drug, an anti-cancer drug, and somewhere hope glimmered between them that somehow this race, who were advanced in so many ways could give them a much wanted child. He didn't mind the trying, neither of them did, but another pregnancy came and another misscarriage, then no more. After the vaccinations nothing happened and this was a struggle both had kept quiet, even from Sam and Joe who they knew were having the same problem. Janet began to distrust the Aschen, she felt redundant and as much as he'd tried to convince her she wasn't, what he was seeing was a whole different story, Jack meanwhile had given up on them all together. The vaccinations and the Aschen had seemed to take Janet's work away from her, and that tore her apart. She had loved her job and hated the way the Aschen seemed to be controlling that. For him though she always had a smile, she did now even after everything but this time he knew it was forced, put there to keep away the tears. Tears that would be shed by both of them in the knowledge that this was the end of something beautiful, but also in the knowlegde that if this plan worked, no matter what their loss was, they could be preventing such a fate from ever happening to themselves in another world.  
  
That afternoon when she had come to the restaurant there was no smile. Her eyes were full of tears and he had just known something had happened which had broken her heart. When Sam walked in she too had the same look, the same hand resting on her stomach tenderly as if trying to stop some loss or to register it. It took all the self control he had not to break down as she took a deep breath and sat down at the table after crying all those tears, explaining what she and Sam had found out. Explaining that anywhere the anti-aging vaccine had gone... that any person that had had it couldn't have children. They could never have children. The Aschen had stolen that away from them and so many others. Had taken away a part of his wife that she had held so dear, that they both had.  
  
He didn't know how she could stand it, how he himself could stay calm as she and Sam explained that Jack had been right all along and that the Aschen couldn't be trusted. He could see she was angry inside, with herself for trusting the Aschen and taking that vaccine, angry for not believing Jack, and so angry at the Aschen for taking away something so dear. He could also see she wasn't taking the news well, that she just wanted to run away and let everything she was feeling out and he wanted her to do that too instead of bottling all the pain and anguish up. She was too strong to do that though. Both she and Sam were dealing with something that was so obviously tearing them apart and yet here they were putting on brave faces, thinking as hard as they could for some way to prevent this mess from ever happening. He admired that so much about her, that even when the unquestionable happened she would put on a brave face and work through things no matter how hard things were getting for her.  
  
All the time he could see the sadness building up, but still she stayed calm. Of course her voice wavered, and an ever so tender hand rested on her stomach, the other firmly in his own as if seeking support. It wasn't until they had all parted ways, and Sam had gone to try and talk Jack round that she had finally broken down and it was something Daniel had never seen before in all their time together...not like this. When she had came into the retaurant he had known something was wrong, but he had never imagined that it was this. Just seeing her sitting there, staying silent while Sam explained what the Aschen had done to her, to all the human race was almost too much for him to bear, even more so when he saw Janet's face and knew she too had been violated by these people.  
  
They had just left the restaurant, one hand firmly held in the other, her head resting against his shoulder when she just burst into tears and sobbing like a child himself he took her into his arms as she slid down to the ground. He didn't know how long they had sat there, just holding each other and crying, and he didn't know what people must have thought. All he knew was he didn't care. All he could see at that point in time was the woman he adored going through something terrible and he wanted to comfort her any way he could. As long as she saw he cared, as long as she could see he was going through this just as much as she was that was all that mattered to him. He wasn't going to let her go through this alone, even if they did only have a few more hours of this life left together with what they were planning to do, and he didn't.  
  
They went for a long walk after that, quietly drawing strength from each other as they walked in silence, their hands entwined. They had ended up by this tiny lake, the sun shining off it and lighting it up as if it was filled with crystals. They lay there until they were to start their plan. He would never forget that afternoon, just spent laying there and looking up at the blue sky, Janet with her head on his chest, his positioned so he could look into those beautiful yet pained eyes, and offer some sort of reassurance to her that things would be alright. She had never needed him as much as she did at that moment, nor he her, and both knew it. She was going through much more than him, suffering a loss so deep and unimaginable to him. Part of her womanhood had been cruelly snatched away without anyone knowing what was going on, and knowing this Daniel felt like a part of him had been taken away too. So they just lay there, drawing comfort from each others presence, reaffirming in each others eyes the deep and unconidtional love they held for each other, and knowing later on this life together would be over. She hadn't cried after that; he remembered thinking that she had probably run out of tears with the knowledge that what they were planning to do now could pervent this cruelty from ever happening. He hadn't cried anymore either. Both were resigned to what had happened and what was fated to and in that knowledge they made every moment count together, not one breath passed without a sincere decleration of love and tender care. Then it was time.  
  
Now Daniel stood watching her leave. Watching the woman who had been the biggest part of his life in recent years walk up the ramp to the gate, while he prepared himself mentally for what was to happen. It was so hard to watch her go. After everything they had been through in the duration of their lives as a couple and then husband and wife he now had to stand and do nothing while she left.  
  
It was for her own good. It was part of the plan, but that didn't mean he could just accept it without feeling his heart being torn in two. He gave her a little wave, it was all he could do, and he wished she wouldn't keep looking up at him with those beautiful eyes as she carried on up the ramp silently communicating her love for him, and her understanding over what he was to do. He loved her, he had loved Janet Fraiser and she had loved him too and that made him proud, and as he did his duty and lay there taking his dying breath that was the thought that kept him going. That carried him into another world. He only hoped that if this plan worked, if the warning got sent and they succesfully warned their past selves not to trust the Aschen, or even against meeting them, that some things would remain the same. He hoped that himself and this extraordinary woman would find it in themselves to find that love, and would follow the path that led to each other and happiness for better or worse.   
  
copyright (c) 2001 Lucy Maria Elmer  
  
  
  


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